Poll Results

The votes are in! The people have spoken: Sam, sorry my love, but you're officially a dumbass.

Maybe badass would have won had the metal-and-glass chewing incidents been all I told you about. But you all have seen the failed agility run, the loogie-face, the various thieving, and the cobwebs. You've watched him try to talk to a stove exhaust pipe and spend ten minutes pawing at light on the carpet. There really was no way "badass" was going to win this one.

Dumbass? I dunno what you're talking about

But that's why I love him, after all--I didn't set out to have a dog that could frighten small children or beat Chuck Norris in a fight. I wanted a big, goofy boy, just like my old dog Bud, and that's exactly what I got.

The first day I brought Sam home, I took him to the backyard where Bud and Thor are buried and asked my boys to look out for Sam and show him the ropes. And I believe they did. I can see Bud in Sam so much--in his face, the way he plays and wrestles with me, the way he drools, the way he goes through his entire repertoire of tricks in the hopes that one of them will snag him a treat. And I see Thor in him too--when he's sleepy and sweet; when he sits on your feet; when he sits in front of children and lowers his head and wags his tail and lets them pet him all they like without mouthing or jumping on them. And of course, Sam is his own dog, too: the way he never rushes the gate, but sits quietly until you park your car and get out; the way he "talks" and is so vocal; how quickly he's picked up swimming, and how fearless and bold he is; how friendly he is to other dogs; and of course, how quickly he picks up new tricks and how easy he is to train.

Sam isn't a replacement for my lost boys; he is an addition, the third musketeer, the final piece of the yellow-black-chocolate Labrador puzzle. And given the company he's joining, it's expected that he be a dumbass at heart. A big, goofy, lovable dumbass.